Understanding Grief, an ART BEAT special three part series featuring Kevin Hegseth, a Hazleton based grief and life change counsellor with over 30 years experience. Part I: Introduction, 21 October, Part II: Healing Ourselves 18 November, Part III: 16 December
You might be wondering what grief has to do with ART BEAT, a show focused on art and culture. The answer is A LOT. Art is entirely based on the expression of impressions and feelings. Artists make art to share something they notice, feel or invent. Often an artist creates an artwork from a place of emotional inspiration. 
Think of Edvard Munch’s “The Scream” a painting depicting a shallow faced man in dark clothing running in seeming terror or hopelessness across a bridge. It is less know that Munch also made a painting called “The Sun” that depicts bright soul touching radiance and hopefulness.
Emotions like love, grief and pain are tools an artist uses just as often as paints and brushes. Fine art crosses into real life and can connect to any single person by expressing feelings a viewer can understand. By being able to relate the joy or grief an artist shows, the viewer is soothed to see what he or she feels in a tangible form. By sharing grief and pain outside our own thoughts it helps lessen the power of the pain. There are entire professional fields devoted to art therapy and this is no accident.
Artistic pursuits like writing, painting, drawing, dance and music, can all be used as ways to express and cope with pain and in doing so to soothe the soul. Most importantly, the expression of pain, either to a safe person, to a piece of paper, in a song or a combination of these, makes an all too intangible injury become real and acknowledged. Once a wound can be seen, it can be healed. To make emotional wounds visible can be a very challenging and terrifying task. Art offers a safe and personal way to turn inner anguish into outward acknowledgement.
Kevin Hegseth, ART BEAT's guest for this Three Part Series: UNDERSTANDING GRIEF is a Hazelton based grief counselor has worked with people who grieve all across Canada for over 30 years. Since he was a child Kevin knew his calling was to be a compassionate listener and offer spiritual healing. He recognizes that pain often expresses itself in anger, or in a need to escape – to numb memories of hurt. Either way he advises,
“You cannot help another until you heal yourself, because if you are hurting you may unconsciously turn your helping into thinking of your own needs, and personal pain.”
Hegseth also notes that:
“Everyone has a story of deep hurt in life, but how often are we able to find someone to tell that story to who truly listens and validates it?”
Scroll to the end of this piece of writing now for links and ideas on where to get help if you are feeling grief, pain or loss, as well as some self guided activities you can try at home.
Try not to feel alone in your grief, and if you feel helpless you may find a use for one of the phone numbers, addresses, organizations, videos or activities listed at the end of this blog. You could also listen to Part 1 and 2 of ART BEAT’s series with Kevin Hegseth about UNDERSTANDING GRIEF here:
http://www.smithersradio.com/program/art-beat
ART BEAT is a show about art, AND culture. A lot of things fit under the banner of culture, and in Northern British Columbia First Nations people and their culture hold a prominent presence. Part of the cultural memory of First Nations people is the unspeakable trauma inflicted by Residential Schools. The grief felt by Residential School survivors can be transferred to those they know and love because no person is truly alone in grief. Those around us with whom we interact will experience our moods, words, and lives. For Residential School survivors, trauma, pain, and grief are shared with parents, descendents and communities.
Those who experience trauma and pain can unwillingly pass that pain on over generations. For example, when a parent struggles deeply to cope with healing an inner torment it will be a challenge for that parent to interact with his or her children. Residential Schools have left a horrifying legacy of aching hearts and memories like howling ghosts. The pain has given power to things like alcoholism, abuse, suicide, and drug addiction as people seek ways to forget.
Beyond Residential Schools there are still more sources of grief in this remote northern territory we share. For all people there may be isolation, a sense of powerlessness, racism, substance abuse, poverty, and those universal causes of grief such as loneliness, physical or emotional abuse, divorce, or the loss of loved ones. We may lose love ones in death, be it from old age, illness, accidents, and too often suicide or we can lose love ones through a change in relationship.
ART BEAT’s three part series UNDERSTANDING GRIEF seeks to offer some recognition for how challenging it is to live with pain, to acknowledge that everyone we meet will have experienced some sort of grief or pain in life, and that grief and pain can lie within us for decades unrecognized.
The three part series UNDERSTANDING GRIEF takes place once a month in October, November, and December. It is a time of year that can become lonely and depressing for many people given colder darker days, Remembrance Day, and the holiday season which is a mine field of reminders of loved ones lost, past years of joy or sorrow, and a time of year difficult to feel sad among the barrage of television ads, cheerful decorations, parties and gleeful people.
To help give us an introduction and a starting point of how to cope with grief, and how to help others, the three part series includes: Part 1: An introduction to what grief is and how we can be sensitive to those experiencing it, recognizing ways we may have been hurt by words and not realized it, and the important reminder to simply breathe. Part 2 focuses on practical ways we can help ourselves. To consider that we cannot help others until we are healed ourselves. If we try to help others while we till grieve we can create more pain for ourselves and another person. Part 3 shares ideas on how to help others who are struggling with grief and to be aware that others who cross our paths expressing anger or other strong emotions may be struggling with grief.
Respect that a person may feel hurt by the actions and words of others, or by loss of a loved one through a change in relationship or death. NEVER MAKE FUN OR JOKE when a person expresses feelings of hurt, grief or loss to you. Respect that person’s feeling. Try to really HEAR and LISTEN even if you don’t understand. NEVER GOSSIP WITH OTHERS about what you think a person you know should do to help themselves or what you think is "wrong" with them. We are each responsible for our own choices and it is not fair to assume you know another person enough to know how they think or feel or how they should help themselves or change themselves. It is not for you to decide another person needs "fixing". If you want to fix, work on yourself. Remember, it is not another person's job to help YOU feel comfortable with who they are. You accept a person for WHO THEY ARE right now. If you cannot, then you have the right to change that relationship and distance yourself.
Below is a summary of the points Kevin Hegseth made in Part 1 and Part 2 of the series followed by some ideas and internet links that may be helpful.
- Grief has no expiry date. We may carry around pain from something said or done to us when we were children or teenagers and not realize the continued impact it has on our life and self worth. For example, parents can unintentionally say things that are meant as a joke, like “You were an accident”. Without a proper context a child can take such a statement to heart and feel deeply wounded. It is also possible for adults to say cruel things to children deliberately because that adult is hurting and so lashes out at others. Whatever the reason or cause it is important to recognize that we may have been hurt as children and brushed it off as “no big deal”. As we grew we learned to cope and build up our emotional defenses. Pain has no age, time limit or minimum size. Things we may define as “small” incidents can cause just as much pain as so called “big” traumas.
- When someone we care about is hurting we can feel helpless. It is not easy to know what the right thing to say or to do is. Our instinct is to offer advice, to fix and to solve. Consider how you feel when someone tries to fix you or tries to tell you how to feel or how to think? Does it help you love them more? Probably not. It most likely makes you feel like pushing them far away. When you don’t know what to do or say it is OK to express that, and ask for advice from the person who is grieving. The most important thing you can offer someone grieving is your presence. BE THERE. Being silent is OK. Let the hurting person take the lead.
- We all grieve on an individual timeline and at a different level. Like fingerprints, none of us is equal in how we feel or express pain and grieving. We are all individuals. We each look different and each have a different name and identity. It stands to reason then that we will each FEEL things differently. People take different amounts of time to grieve and to heal. For example, one person may take just a few weeks to get over the loss of a loved one or the loss of a relationship, while another person may take years or even decades. THERE IS NO TIME LIMIT ON GRIEF and GRIEF DOES NOT HAVE A SET EXPIRY DATE.
- NEVER tell a person “I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL”. How could you know? That person may not even know how they are feeling themselves, so how could you know? Avoid telling people what they think and feel and ask them, “Do you want to tell me about it?” or importantly “Do you want to talk about how you feel?” If you must share some wisdom from your own life you could say “In my experience this helped.....” but it is better to not offer advice and simply listen. WHEN IN DOUBT LEAVE IT OUT or KEEP THE MOUTH SHUT. We can unintentionally say very hurtful things by offering advice.
- If you are grieving and feel someone is offering you advice or acting in a way that makes you uncomfortable you can say to the person“When you say or do [insert the thing] it makes me feel [-----]” This will help others understand that their supposedly helpful actions or words may not be so helpful to you.
- Sometimes it is a relief to talk about normal things amid trauma like movies and weather and sports. There is a lot of pressure for the grieving to be expected to always be sad, or to always focus on the tragedy. It can be helpful to do activities that were usual before the grief, offer to go for a walk, or share a meal together.
- When someone feels pain and loss they may feel extremely alone, misunderstood, and may even feel driven to be alone because they sense no one understands them, or because they fear the pressure of not knowing how to talk about what they are feeling with another person. One of the most powerful things anyone can do for someone who is grieving is to BE PRESENT. No words need to be spoken. Being in the same space as someone who is grieving is enough. This may happen in silence or perhaps the supportive person will be able to listen to the grieving person. Consider that listening is like being the drain in a sink. A drain does not spit water back up the sink, it simply receives and lets water flow down it. A drain has a very important job, it helps get rid of muddy, mucky water as we wash ourselves clean.
- When you are suffering from feelings of pain or grief try to find a safe person to talk to. This is someone who will listen without judgement and who will not gossip about what you tell them. Though a family member may seem like the obvious choice for a safe person, it may be the worst choice. In families we tend to make our feelings known and to be open about telling another how they should think or feel. We also can hide what we really think and feel. In the case of the loss of a loved one within a family, everyone in the family is like an open wound. Each person will be grieving and each will be grieving differently. Think of a family grieving like a group of people who survived a plane crash. Each person has suffered a trauma, they need outside people to rescue them from the wreckage. The same is true for loss in a family or close group. Each person needs a professional or other outside helper to begin with.
PLACES TO FIND A SAFE PERSON TO TALK TO
All Churches – specifically ask about Pastoral Care, don’t forget The Salvation Army
Counselors – One can check with Northern Health to ask for a referral or advice on group counselling or workshops
Family Doctor – A family doctor can provide some advice on how to care for your body when you are experiencing grief. When we grieve we may not eat or sleep properly, we may have a lot of stress. A family doctor can help with good advice. Physical health and mental health are closely tied. Do not underestimate how helpful small changes to diet, sleep or exercise can be. Also know that it is possible for a deep trauma, loss or other painful incident to put a person into such an emotional despair that it creates a legitimate physical ailment. A medical doctor or nurse practitioner can advise if you may be suffering a form of chemical depression and help you obtain temporary medication. Think of it as a bit like having a seasonal allergy. Some years you may not feel any symptoms but some years you may suffer badly. You can take allergy medicine for a short period and it helps your body cope during that time. Try to be open to the idea of taking anti-depressants as one possible tool to help you heal.
Hospice Group Smithers: Call 1-877-335-2233 or 250-877-7451. This is a voice mail machine which is monitored on a regular basis. EMAIL bvhospicesociety@gmail.com
Volunteers are available to accompany patient and family through end-of-life care. Phone consultations, respite for care givers and sitting with patients, either in the home or a health care facility, are part of the service.
Grieving is hard and lonely work. It can take a surprising amount of energy just to get through a day. Talking to someone can help. BV Hospice offers Grieving Support for individual and groups. Bereavement interventions are provided for agencies or groups who have experienced the death of a co-worker or colleague. This is an opportunity for people to debrief their loss, share concerns and facilitate recovery.
Smithers – BCSS – Caregivers Support Group – 2nd Wednesday Of The Month
Are you overwhelmed? Don’t know where to turn for help? If you are are caregiving a loved one who suffers from any form of dementia, we meet monthly to bring caregivers together to share the common challenges of caring for an aging parent or spouse suffering from dementia.
Date: Meets the 2nd Wednesday of the month
Time: 1:30 – 3:30 pm
Location: Mental Health and Addictions Conference Room
Court House Building, Main Street, Smithers
Newcomers welcome!
For more information:
Clara Donnelly
BC Schizophrenia Society
250 847 9779
bulkleyvalley@bcss.org
www.bcss.org
Dze L K’ant Friendship Centre Society – Mental Health /Addictions Counseling
The Dze L K’ant Friendship Centre Society is an organization guided by Aboriginal values that provides activities, services and information to all people. It focuses on developing skills and strengths while incorporating spiritual, emotional, mental and physical well-being to help people become self-sufficient and self-reliant.
1188 Main Street
P.O. Box 2920
Smithers, BC
V0J 2N0
Phone: (250) 847-5211 – Reception x200
Fax: (250) 847-5144
dzelkant@gmail.com
Online Counselors & Support Groups
A friend or family member may live somewhere far away, but is someone you can talk to on the phone or internet. That can be a safe person. Here are some other online options:
http://www.onlinegriefsupport.com/
Free Online Counselling: https://www.7cups.com/
BC Online Counselling: http://counsellingbc.com/counsellors/approach/online-counselling-232
Canadian Mental Health – Grieving: http://www.cmha.ca/mental_health/grieving/#.WETxsbIrLIU
http://www.onlinecounsellingservice.co.uk/grief-and-loss
https://www.mastersincounseling.org/loss-grief-bereavement.html
Free Online Grief Course: http://www.mygriefangels.org/
Helplines:
BC Bereavement Helpline
Phone (Toll-Free): 1 (877) 779-2223
Fax: (604) 265-4795
Email: contact@bcbh.ca
Hours
9:00am – 5:00pm
(Monday – Friday, excluding holidays)
Crisis Centre BC
Help is Available! We are here to listen, here to help – 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
If you or someone you know is having thoughts of suicide, call 1-800-784-2433 (1-800-SUICIDE), or call your local crisis centre. The phone lines below are available in over 140 languages using a language service. Let us know which language you require, and we will try and provide an interpreter.
Contact us:
Anywhere in BC: 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)
Vancouver: 604-872-3311
Sunshine Coast/Sea to Sky: 1-866-661-3311
Mental Health Support Line: 310-6789
Seniors Distress Line: 604-872-1234
Online Chat Service for Youth: www.YouthInBC.com (Noon to 1am)
Online Chat Service for Adults: www.CrisisCentreChat.ca (Noon to 1am)
1800SUICIDE
(1-800-784-2433)
310Mental Health Support
310-6789
(no need to dial area code)
SELF DIRECTED ACTIVITIES 
To express your pain outwardly to help ease the intensity, and begin to heal, with links
Journaling:
What are your deepest feelings trying to tell you? Here are 5 kinds of journaling you could try:
1. Free-writing. Free-writing is when you sit down and write for 10-15 minutes without removing your pen from the page. This means that you write whatever comes to mind—even if it’s totally random, even if it hurts. The point of free-writing is to allow your mind to move beyond your tidy, everyday thoughts—which often include the rationalized version of a raw feeling. By bringing your raw feelings to the surface, you may learn why you really feel the way you do—no small thing in the healing process. While free-writing can bring up something painful, it may end up teaching you more about yourself.
. Write an “Unmailed, Unwritten” letter. In my favorite Joyce Carol Oates short story, “Unmailed, Unwritten Letters,” the protagonist composes several letters to her parents, her husband, her lover, etc. As the title suggests, these letters aren’t really sent to their subjects. Try writing a letter to someone about your feelings under the premise that you won’t mail it. Write to the person who hurt you, write to an old friend, write to a late relative. It’s fascinating how freeing this can be. Some people like to burn these to help release the feelings and send them out to the universe.
3. Write outside. By outside, not necessarily outdoors. Sometimes it’s too cold for that! Rather, write somewhere different than your usual spot. Try a café, the library, or even a different room in your house. It’s easy to underestimate the power of our surroundings. Different places (and people watching!) can bring us to new perspectives. They can also take us out of our bubble, helping us realize that the world is still doing its thing, despite our problem. If we let it, this realization can be quite comforting and ultimately freeing.
4. Get artsy. Sometimes words feel empty. Or they don’t come at all. Make art. It doesn’t need to be frameable, and you don’t have to show anyone. Just start making images and see what happens. Try making mixed media collages using magazine clippings and drawing on them. Getting “in the zone” while working with something tangible, seems to help the mind sort things out in the background. It becomes a kind of meditation, really. You can make art about your feelings or something completely unrelated.
5. Get listy. This final method is something you can do anywhere—on your phone on the subway, on a napkin in a café, etc. Simply make a list of all the things that are currently inspiring you. You can call it “life experiments,” which just means trying something new in your life with hopes for positive results. By calling it an “experiment” rather than a “goal” or “resolution,” there’s a lessened sense of risk. One life experiment could be focusing on inviting more positivity into each day instead trying to flush the negative. The hope is that the positive will organically crowd out the negative. Journaling about what inspires you is one way to perform this experiment.
SOURCE: http://www.peacefuldumpling.com/5-ways-journal-pain
Mandela Drawing:
Circular forms in art are often referred to as mandalas, the Sanskrit word for "sacred circle." For thousands of years the creation of circular, often geometric designs has been part of spiritual practices around the world and almost every culture has revered the power of the circle. Eastern cultures have used specific mandalas for visual meditation for many centuries; the Tibetan Buddhist Kalachakra, also known as the Wheel of Time, is probably one of the most famous mandalas and symbolically illustrates the entire structure of the universe.
The very nature of creating a mandala is therapeutic and symbolic. The shapes and colors you create in your mandala art therapy will reflect your inner self at the time of creation. Your instinct and feeling should inspire and guide you through the process of creation. Ultimately, you will be creating a portrait of yourself as you are when creating the mandala. So, whatever you are feeling at that time, whatever emotions are coming through, will be represented in your mandala art therapy.
As with most art therapy, it’s not about the final product…it’s about the journey. When you reach your destination, you will have a representation of something meaningful and personal…a snapshot of you for a brief moment in time expressed through your mandala.
Making a mandala drawing or two can't hurt you and you may even find it somewhat self-soothing and relaxing. If you want to try your hand at creating your own mandala drawings, all you need are a set of good colored pencils or oil pastels, graphite pencil and eraser, ruler, paper, and a round plate or compass to make a circle. Try a circle about 10 inches in diameter, but you can use any size paper to make your drawing. White paper is fine, but also try a sheet of black paper, too. It will make the colors "pop" because of the darker background. Because mandala drawing can be a very relaxing and meditative experience, you might want to play some soft instrumental music to set the mood. If you commit to making mandala drawings over a period of weeks or months, you'll also find that the content and style will change along with your personality, emotions, and experiences.
Tapping: This is one ART BEAT’s host Colleen uses personally and finds especially helpful even beyond the meridians and acupressure which a person may not believe in or care about. The power of tapping also lies in the ability to express hurt or fear. It gives a feeling of being acknowledged. It helps us process and express our feelings.
Here is a fact for you, EFT is effective to help you acknowledge the pain of what has happened to you and identify the current stress factors in your life. EFT is an amazing tool that you can use to eliminate the unresolved negative emotions caused by your loss so you can move forward with life. It is free and requires very little physical effort. You repeat phrases and tap on various points of the body.
Introduction to EFT – Emotional Freedom Technique & chance to try it (5 minutes)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JiD72cZ5mcU (in the exercise, do as he does and repeat what he says)
Releasing Emotional Pain – Tapping Exercise
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S5l70B3BA8c
One more link to a short video that talks about the danger of rumination.
Rumination is what we call it when we go over same negative thoughts in the mind repeatedly. If one is sad, upset or depressed it can be dangerous to ruminate because it means one is focusing on negative thoughts and feelings. When we ruminate we create reasons why things have happened a certain way or why we feel a certain way. The reasons may be true or just ur idea of what is true but either way thinking of negative things over and over can cause emotional injury, just as real as hitting oneself or other physical abuse. This short video will give you an understanding of rumination and tips on how to avoid it.
Remember we all have the right to grieve and to think about what has made us sad, to think about loss, to spend some time alone healing, but try to be aware of when alone time is helpful and when it may be harmful.
Dr. Stephen Ilardi of the University of Kansas discusses one of the core elements of Therapeutic Lifestyle Change for depression in this free online workshopseries: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e06GAZM_wKQ
Please be kind to yourself. You are human, you love, you suffer, you make mistakes, you do the best you can with who you are today.
I hope you will tune in to ART BEAT on CICK FM in Smithers in December for the final part of the series UNDERSTANDING GRIEF with Kevin Hegseth. Stay tuned to https://www.facebook.com/ArtBeatCICK93.9FM/ for updates
Email ART BEAT at artbeat@smithersradio.com for any feedback or questions. I can also put you in touch with Kevin Hegseth.
From my Little Art Heart - Colleen Sharpe